Since sword fighting is a passion of mine, during my one on one session with the gamemaker, I really seemed to entertain and surprise him. I waited in a small, all white room with the other 23 contestants. Luckily, I was the second person called so I didn’t have to wait long. As I tiptoed into the silent warehouse where a glass window separated me from many famous people from the Capitol, I looked for some sort of instructions as to what I was supposed to do. Just as I finished scanning the room, a voice spoke from behind the glass. He told me to show him the best I had to offer as a tribute in the Hunger Games. So, I grabbed the shiniest sword I could find and I pressed the button to start the simulation of holograms that I would fight against. 5…4…3…2…1….
As the orange holograms rushed toward me I jabbed and stabbed my way through all of them, puncturing each one straight through the heart. The screams of the simulations must have terrified my competitors, because after I left the warehouse and sat back in the white room, everyone had a look of fear in their eyes. With my last few seconds to show what I really had before the gamemaker would score me for this year’s Hunger Games, I had to execute the best sword move I had, the Cottonkiller(named after my last name of course). The last hologram came running at me with intense speed, so I jumped over it, while landing a front flip, unleashed the roar of my sword, and thrashed it into the back of the hologram’s neck. Smiling ever so viciously, I bowed to the gamemaker, laughed, and walked away.
Finally, I began to realize why it was such a great honor to be chosen from district one as a tribute. I was the most trained, wealthiest, and would get the most sponsors. I have the greatest chance to make it out alive. Watch out other districts, Tammy Cottonhead is eager for a bloodshed.
This writing was uhhh interesting. I would say its better then the first but you still did not proofread like I told you to. The first sentence did not make any sense at all. You could have easily fixed that by proofreading the opening. You also forgot some punctuation here and there. The general idea of it was shaky too. you didn’t convey any emotions or feeling you just wrote about stabbing holograms. these writing are supposed to be about how you feel not what physically happens. Sorry if you think im being me but listen to me im trying to help. 5.5/10
There could have been more background, or setting the scene. A bigger picture of the scene would have helped the reader understand what was going on better. There weren’t many details on the setting though you told a lot about. lol “shiniest sword”. Some good figurative language and rhymes with the jabbing and stabbing, though I’m pretty sure jabbing is a sort of punch, not something you do with a sword. You only told what the character superficially did and thought, not so much as inside.
I feel like you could have had a better attention getter. Also, I wish you would have showed not told specifically when you were talking about stabbing the holograms. You could have included how you felt throughout the piece as well.